Text conversation between Nick and I today, after my doctor's appointment.
Kim: It's not going well.
Nick: Why? What happened?
Kim: He doesn't want to give me any pills!! He gave me a prescription but I'm not allowed to fill it unless I still feel this miserable 3 days from now.
Nick: Well that sucks...
Kim: But fuck that shit. I just filled it. If I could dry swallow these puppies I would have done it ten minutes ago.
Seriously, this was my doctor's appointment, and I apologize in advance if it icks you out. Consider yourself forewarned.
Dr.: So what brings you here today?
Kim: Well. My throat is killing me, I've got this deep, hacking cough that loosens up digusting green stuff in my chest, my ears hurt, my nose is stuffy AND running, I'm weak and exhausted, I haven't slept in two days... oh and I ran a fever of 102 - 103 all weekend.
Dr.: That's quite a fever! Let's do a Strep test.
Kim: (blinks) Um (politely) I'm pretty sure it's not Strep. I haven't had Strep since I had my tonsils out... fifteen years ago. (And prior to that, I had it so many times I could self-diagnose that shit myself just based on that gross breath Strep gives you, no matter how often you brush your teeth.) Also, um, this is a bit more than just a sore throat.
Dr.: (ignoring me and taking out a gigantic Q-tip, a procedure which I HATE because I have the world's most sensitive gag reflex, and literally have to chant "don't throw up, don't throw up" when I see shit like that headed for my throat) Let's just give it a shot, just in case.
Oh goody, let's.
Dr.: So! You've had a very high fever all weekend! (Gross insert here: yesterday I went through THREE outfits after my shower because I fever-sweated through everything I put on. YUCK.) And the green stuff, that's certainly bacterial.
Kim: (getting excited because this sounds like a prescription (the ONLY reason I dragged myself here for this $40 appointment) is on its way!) Right...
Dr: But you know, I hate giving antibiotics unless they're really and truly necessary...
Kim: (in my head) OH SHIT...
Dr.: So I'm going to give you a prescription for cough syrup to take at night. I'm also going to write you a prescription for a Z-pack, but I'm going to ask you NOT to fill it unless you still feel this awful let's say... Thursday.
At this point I'm just sort of nodding along, because a) clearly this man is delusional and there's no point in trying to argue with the crazy Anti Medicine Lunatics, and b) I heard the magic words "give you a prescription" and I was afraid to fuck that up. Not after 4 solid days of complete misery. GIVE ME PILLS OR KILL ME NOW.
But clearly this man knows me NOT AT ALL if he thought for one second that I'd sit on that precious little piece of paper.
Oh and shocker! I don't have Strep. Wonder how much that little test will cost me.